Her undeniable calmness, a face uninterrupted, except for the depth of those captivating eyes; a mystery that entertains my idle mind. Such irony that eyes could feast on this beauty without attaining satisfaction. Hunger only grows when an entire being resonates with the simple, yet impossible desire to be within reach of those gentle hands. Miles may prevent her soft lips from tasting mine, but distance only magnifies the unmistakable bond created between soul mates. The strongest love revealed through the battle of two young hearts against the odds of time and space.

   This morning I sat, embraced by nothing but the tall trees and shrubs around me; alone in my tent I took the weight off my feet. And as I sipped hot coco, and packed my gear, I thought how incredible dreams become in the wilderness. I thought about my dreams, lucid and perfect as I heard the voices of the rest of my group speaking of their reveries in the background. Their dreams were of warriors and star wars, while I reminisced with nostalgia of my times with you. I went to your house, and a kiss was worth everything; your parents were surprised to see me but I was hopeful to start something new. I remember being everything to you, and I remember being in my room; in my hands sat both your and my cell phones. Does this mean that you were in my room, or was it that I needed you to have your phone in order to call you but nothing can separate us? The answer I don’t know, I love how I still could come up to you with some stupid reason for having to see you for the ten-thousandth time in the day. I love how I can go to sleep and dream of you as if we had just met, and wake up to think about you all day. I have these dreams every night, I have told you this also, and how I dream during the day of you; so I don’t have to, but I want to. You are still everything to me, I still love you, the way I couldn’t have imagined I would ever that night under the lights on my road. You will always be my angel, and I will always cherish even thoughts of you. Seriously, I spend all night dreaming about you, and then all day thinking about the dreams as if they were real. You have imprinted perfection onto me; I am obsessed and addicted to your ways. You have created a precedent to my senses, and now everything else is dull. I know you hate that I left you, and I hate myself foe bothering you in such a manor. But still I pray that eventually we can settle down and be happy together again. To think this was supposed to be a poem, but we all know what kind of poet I am…

Click, click slip, there goes my blanks and so I fire, the empty bullets of my love I shoot off widely with desire. This target of mine is unfound and untold, I look at everything which moves as if it could be my on true my whole gold. I forget what home is, comfortable is only a figure of my imagination, sometimes I feel like letting loose and committing urination, on everything around me, but I know this uncontrollable monster is my own creation. I have put myself here in the place among places, with all these unfamiliar, unfriendly face amongst faces. All I have as motivation is through a dream, these thoughts I think about they haunt me so bad I have to scream. I see myself with you; in bliss we’re free. Away from it all we live without any boundaries like heaven, we find our chi. and so this is where it will begin with me, out from the center like a bomb my powers are immortal, for all to perceive. I wont give up my flesh, you can tear at it towards me, no cuts wont be scars no bones wont heal stronger then started you cant affect, only teach me. I will learn from everything, that is why I write these words. I am putting bullets into my gun, protecting myself, arming this weapon with the deadliness, of in-human stealth. I’m a warrior; I am coming back for my love. But right now I must do what I have to, to get where I am going to call myself tough. And you fly through your life like an angel perfect at everything you do; you always make me proud my beautiful dove, I love you. So I walk down these streets now locked, loaded, and ready to go. My hunger, my hazards can be hidden so be careful you wouldn’t want to trip over a ledge you didn’t know. And fall a thousand feet off the other side; these falls, which look like small bumps have the power to send us, all for a deadly ride, killing us in our own demise.

I was at dinner last night; I blinked, and in my eyes stood a spitting image of an angel. She had everything I could imagine I would see in an angel, and as she looked at me, I verified what I saw in the angel who was passing my way. I was sure, from the eyes to the hair, it was real. Then she gazed, the way any one would gaze at a person, as if to say, yes, you are good looking, yes we are good looking, but nothing else. And in that moment I declared that I saw nothing more than the spitting image of an angel. But to realize that the same tight stomach, the same swollen mouth, and nervous hands can come from just the thought of being with in touch of this angel, assures me that I will forever be desperate. My body went into red alert, my nerves were shouting, I wanted to shout, but I was frozen. I later realized I didn’t in fact need to say anything, for I had not seen the angel I thought I saw, and anyways. I looked at her, and as I froze, she smiled at me, and as I almost smiled back, but a tear fell from my eye. I walked away not like I had seen an angel however; I felt as if I had seen a ghost. My face was white, and I had a chill, I was scared, I had scared myself to realize just how much I in fact still loved the real angel who exists to this day. Any amount of time which passes, allows me to prove in astonishment just how fond I am. Anytime I don’t feel well, I can go to places in my head, where I can be in heaven with the real angel. And as we spend our sweet time, which only exists in memories, I remember how no one else can make me feel the same way, and how much I love you angel.

My empathy for you falls strong, held loosely by the rocks between which I slide. Yet stable like a small drop of water in your hands. You are my drop of water, kept comfortable by my warm hands. We cannot control each other; just allow each other’s existence to take place. A waterfall throws more than just water off its ledges. As we contain that small drop of water in our hands, it is ours, free and in control of its own destiny. I am soaked with your love; I will never dry from thinking of the times we have shared, and those yet to come. The emotion glides down and down, until it reaches the core of my soul. One cannot stand on a river, you will fall. If you ride it, you will hit rough rapids, but you will reach rest after your ride. I will rest with you one day; we will wake up together, sit by waterfalls as I am now, this I promise. What I cannot promise is how you will feel; now or then. But as my water can only be sipped by you, my hands will burn from any other drop than yours. I know I flow in you, I just hope I am your strongest current. They say treasures slowly fade, yet I feel even without you now, you are a present I open every morning I wake up. And as you may slip from my hands, for I refuse to grip stubbornly with ignorance; I will never hold onto anything so tight and preciously as you. And just as you may move on and forget, my hand could fall, and turn into the soil from which we all originate.

Reality is I Love You,

And I would say it in every breath; if  I could see you ears to hear it, and borrow you soul for you to listen, or touch your lips to say it, and feel your eyes to know you wanted it.

Whenever I close my eyes, you are there, I don’t like it, the confusion bewilders me, so I open them, but you don’t go away. What do I do when you’re always there but you’re never there? I look for you everywhere, so I see you everywhere, but I can’t have you anywhere. Why is that we try so hard for something and never get it and anything that would seem simple and easy is impossible. Maybe its priorities, the security that one should have by baring the knowledge and awareness that no matter what, you will always be there, so I can let you go for a while. But then why does it hurt so much, I know I want you to move on because I want you to be happy, and you are moving on, but you don’t seem happy. I must be wrong, selfish to think without me you cannot be content. Greedy, because I don’t want to share you with any of the other boys in this playpen we call our lives. I have never been so sober in my life, but I have been so hung over every day, from being drunk with emotions about you. I have accepted that I will always love you, that is a fact, so I can move on now cant I? Then why is it when I meet someone seemingly perfect, I push myself away, and fill my mind with my basement, or that garden of the Japanese restaurant on our “first” date. I obviously don’t want to move on. You don’t seem to be having any trouble. What’s your secret; whisper it to me so that no one else can here, because it must be one of the most powerful things in the world. And while your telling it to me, so close to my ear, let me surprise you with a hug and a kiss that will last forever, I will grab you and never let go for the rest of my life, because being separate from you is worse than death.

It is dieing over again every time I blink, because you are not there when I open my eyes.

Deliriously, I walk down this beach, my heavy bag engraves the time I’ve spent walking into my red, sore, shoulders, and my everything burns every step I take, as the sand and salt water work their way into the slices on my feet. I am in bliss, this beach is beautiful, my bones may be walking on this coastline but my soul is curling with every wave. My spirit sways with the tide, from the jungle to the sea, like a light palm being tossed in the breeze. I stare aimlessly out into the horizon and I see the cliffs and the rocks. My mind is focused; I have a goal; to see my love again. Her presence is in everything I see, the beauty of these purple flowers, the greens, the yellows, anywhere my eyes are brought by desire. Desire is what keeps me alive, every day, insurance is something I don’t have, not anymore, for I have ruined all of that, it is hope and faith, my love. Sometimes minutes are hours, but its not always bad, acceptance has become inevitable. I wake up because I see her, I’m confused; why am I happy, why is she smiling? I get up from the cold ground I have been sleeping on and take this angel’s hand. We walk together down the beach and then sit and look up at the sky, I turn to kiss the only lips I will ever love but they are not there. Anger is what I feel, stupidity, why is there no transference. One has to learn; sometimes, things disappear. The truth; when we can’t see things, it doesn’t always mean they aren’t there.

Even the devil can quote the bible. You tell me your love is endless, but what is endless. I tell you I love you more, and I mean it, well now I know it, because you proved it. I can’t be mad at you for what you did; it’s your life, so I’ll put my finger on another one…sad. I’m not sad because it’s not fair, that’s no reason to feel that way, I’m sad because it wasn’t me, and I wasn’t there to change things. We can’t un-change effects, so there is no use in trying, there is nothing to worry about, my love for you is hard to kill, and far from dying. It just hurts. I want to say we are even, but we aren’t, you stole a part of me, and you wont give it back, its not yours to give; I’ve been robbed, but I left my doors unlocked. I want to say we will all live on, but I don’t want to live if everything I thought was worth waiting for isn’t waiting anymore. So what is there, because what was, isn’t, or is it, and if it is, than what was it? No chemicals or spirits could change the way I feel about you. You tell me the same, but you communicate the opposite. 93 percent of communication is non-verbal, you’re shouting at me without speaking. You’re fighting at me without hitting. You’re stabbing at me without even being in the same country, your knife has entered my flesh; and now you twisting. It’s gotten to the point where I have embraced your hands, and pushed even harder, because I am stronger; and you can’t kill me alone. You need my thrust to rip away with lust, more powerful than you have ever experienced. There is no flow, no pattern to something so destructive, its only nature is evil, set to wreck whatever it wants. Of course evil has its sweetness, small bits and parts which seem to work, that’s why it’s a danger isn’t it? And just when you think things rhyme, even for the smallest amount of time, everything will soon fade away and truths will re-appear. Leaving us wrecked, and scattered wondering how this all happened. One can hear the devil speak. But it is our choice weather or not we want to listen. In this moment I have the advantage, you cannot entice me in any way, for I look at you, and I am deaf.

BY ANDREW LEITMAN '05